Thoughts

I want...
to wake up next to someone
to be picked up
and not fall over backwards
to be giddy drunk on red wine
and talking silly
because I want to make you laugh
and because I'm drunk.

I want my dog
And to be able to name him.
I want someone to cook for
Because cooking is more fun when someone else eats it too
I want my Eddings books back
As my shelves are lacking in my favourite books
And I haven't read them in over a year
Is it possible to have withdrawal symptoms from not reading your favourite author?

I want my bunny back
To hear her flop over the stairs
Tell her off for jumping on my bed
Or the back of the sofa.
To lie nose-to-nose on the floor
Talking while she licks my head
Tell her she's everything to me, the thing that keeps me sane
And that my hair is not edible
Stroke her ears again.

I want toe-curlingly good sex
The sort that makes me laugh because I ache
And cry because I'm deliriously exhausted
And afterwards, I want to fall asleep
In a tangle of limbs and hands and bodies
And steal the duvet
Or wake up because he has.

I want breakfast in bed.
Or even just a good cup of tea.

I want to pass this year
Without a hitch
Or a breakdown
And yet not let go of my friends now I can't sit next to them anymore
I want to stay awake in lectures
Or at least not snore my way through proteins
I want to understand
See the point of it all
And get the answers first time instead of the eighth and not be laughed at for not understanding

I want the willpower to actually read all the pages I'm supposed to
Instead of falling asleep on the sofa
Clutching Heyer instead of Alberts.

I want a day without a headache
Without stress
Without wondering if the damn prozac makes a difference
Or wondering if I'd flip without it
Or if I'm going slightly mad.

I want someone who'll accept
That I'm depressed
It's a part of who I am
I want to accept that myself.
But I want someone who won't care.
Or will.
And who'll let me cry for no reason other than a sad song
Without trying to cheer me up.

I don't know what I want.