hooray!

As of yesterday, I am no longer a vet student. I didn't quit, but I'm not going to appeal after I failed my exams again. I tried - if I'm honest, I probably could have tried harder, but at the same time, my heart wasn't in it.

I hated large animal work - I hated animal husbandry, spending hours trying to find somewhere that will house you, feed you, and then working for two weeks without pay on something you have zero interest in (pigs anyone?). It just never gelled with me, and I resented it, resented how stressed it made, how tired I felt, and how completely disillusioned. I just wasn't interested in it, I never, ever even considered working with large animals, and I wasn't raised around animals - and I was always irritated by the amount of knowledge we were assumed to have about farm animals.

That was my biggest problem - the sheer disillusionment. I wanted to be a vet, but being a vet student... not so much. I didn't like the atmosphere, the attitude of many of the students en masse (while on an individual basis, I liked the majority of people) which was so competitive, so "look at me, I'm fantastic", "work hard party harder" and very, very cliquey. It wasn't a good place for someone whose depression is so triggered by stress (both mine and others', which is why I avoided the place a lot of the time).

I'm relieved, though. I really wasn't enjoying myself at all, and what I did enjoy was such a small part of what was going on. I didn't feel supported, or even noticed (for fuck's sake, I was still on the lists for second years, and kept getting angry emails because I wasn't at a second year lecture/workshop/whatever).

So... now I have to decide what to do now. I don't want to do something for the end result, but for the sake of doing it. I'm probably going to go for something with women's studies (probably english lit., international relations, or sociology). Something that interests me, something I'm curious about - but not something that is going to lead to a specific career. I've got my CELTA, I could go into teaching, or journalism, or working for a NGO. I could do anything, I don't have a single line to walk along any more.